I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
