I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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