I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize