I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
