Cold hands, warm shart.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize