It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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