Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize