So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
