dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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