I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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