just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
