I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
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