He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize