just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
