When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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