my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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