If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
