mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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