apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
