First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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