If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
