I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I think pants incapable of making pants work
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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