You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
