I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
