Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
