i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
