Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
