It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
