saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
