I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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