If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
