I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
