I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
