Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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