Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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