the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
