I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
