I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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