someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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