You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
