I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
i need some magic done to my vagina
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
