You can't motorboat a personality
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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