had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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