Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Randomize
