I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
