Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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