I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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