You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
