i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
