Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
