She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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