I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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