My sheets look like a crime scene.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
be right there i have to get my cape
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
